Okay..for all you people who don't give a shit about hearing whiny nothings about how much I hate my life...do yourself a favor and don't read this. It'll be doing me a favor too...cuz I really don't care if you read this or not, just maybe it will explain (partially at least) why I am a bitch...and a confused one at that.

Yes..prepare yourself.

Ian...I love him..I hate him...who knows...

I call him up today..to wish him a happy new year and to find out what he did last night and how he was doing and everything. We had our awkward moments..which was normal for us (now) I guess...but we got thru. Then he starts his lil crap..."This won't make sense to you now, but it will later. When you hear something shocking, yes, it's true, but just remember that there was a reason I did it." Now correct me if I'm mistaken but is that not a direct reference to killing yourself? Especially from a kid who has tried it so many times before...

Then I'm cryin and ask him if he thinks that will help things...by killin himself and he said "No, but this will--Fuck you, goodbye" and hung up :(

He called back and apologized, but fuck it..I don't need that shit, so I hung up on him..and came online so he couldn't call me back. Now I'm really regretting doing that and I wanna talk to him, but his line is busy :/ I don't know if that means he's on it...or if something happened...

He called Chrissy and told her that I told him she was a slut and a drug addict (which I didnt...) so that made me more mad at him, but jesus...what's the point of all this??

Damnit..I sound so coldhearted about it all, but I really don't think I am. I mean I do still love him and just wanna help, but how can I help someone that doesn't wanna be helped?? If fucking being engaged to him wasn't enough to let him know that I cared...then I don't know what would be!

My mommy's helping a lot...she's very understanding and pretty much knows the whole story, but just like I can't help him, there's really not anything she can do to help me with this. Just listen I guess..which she's doing. She wants me to go see a psychologist tomorrow to talk about that...but I've only been to one twice before and it just ended up a sobfest where I can't speak comprehensibly anyway..overall, it didn't seem to help much.

I'm debating on whether or not to even keep talkin to him. I mean I know I don't wanna stop, but this isn't healthy..probably for either one of us.

Chrissy gave me his mom's number, but it's too late to call tonight, so hopefully I'll get the chance to tomorrow. Yeah, it fuckin killed me to hafta ask her for it, but I have it back at school..and she's the only one I know who has it. His own friends in PA can't even remember his home phone number and hafta ask me all the time...

What can ya do?

I think I'm in love with the past...and long for that, but it could never really go back to that, so should I just give up? I never take my own advice, though. That would be too intelligent for a simple-minded fool like me.

The thing that bothers me the most is that...when I think about it...I turn everything back to me..like I'm an incredibly self-centered bitch!! I don't want him to kill himself..cuz it'll hurt ME--I'LL miss him. Well I try to tell myself that it's not all about me, but there goes the thing about taking my own advice again. Then, after taking pity on myself, I get mad at myself for the whole pity thing and for being self centered and then it's just a big mess!

I hate myself right now for talking to Chrissy though...In a way I feel like it might've helped cuz she'll probably go back to Ian and tell him that I care and whatnot, but at the same time, I'm using her for that and that makes me somewhat of a bad person.

Maybe that's the problem..and I don't like myself to be with anyone else. That's why y'all should stay away from me!!

I like being the happy, giddy person I usually am. But then I look back and wonder if even that is all fake. I don't know if I even care if it's fake because I hate when people are sad all the time..and sometimes I wish people would just act happy...even if it was faking. Depression used to intrigue me. Now it just gets on my nerves. Well I mean it's okay to be depressed every now and then (especially with a valid reason...or even without one, no bother), but like some people just constantly look down at everything and can't find joy in a single thing in their lives and I'm sorry, but you don't have the worst life possible, and you should be happy for what you have...Maybe if you smiled once in a while, you'd make friends and have a reason to be happy!

Uhmm..did I just contradict myself??

Do I care??

I want Ian to be fixed...someone go and fix him! Please...

I think I'm gonna go try calling him again.

Bye bye