Merry Christmas I guess. I'm not a fan this year...but I think I kinda fucked up myself.

We celebrated last night. My mom bought shitloads of alcohol (beer, rasberry vodka, bacardi gold, wine, wine, wine, beer, more vodka, twisted tea, kaluha, some more beer, etc) so of course I was going to drink. Of course meaning against her wishes.

Everything was cool...I was joking around with one of Tyke's daughters and just laughin at stupid stuff and avoiding my gramma's dirty looks.

...and then I got the hiccups. Teph knows what that's all about cuz I got them at her house, too, but for the life of me I could not get rid of them. So I sat outside in front of the door. Hah, the landlady came out and asked if I was locked out. Sitting there alone got me thinking...or quiet and all that. So I blame the hiccups.

But everything was weird. We started opening presents and I was just watching everything. I made my bro an ashtray and my mom was usin it..but then went and got the other plastic one, and for some reason I took that personally.

I refused to open anything. My mom kept bugging me about it, so I opened one thing, which happened to be small earrings, but in my state I couldnt even really see them so I got frustrated and all that.

Like an hour later she tells me it's okay if I don't want to open stuff, but I just have to open this one gift. It was a tapestry with a mushroom and said "have a nice trip." For some reason unbeknownst to me, it offended/bothered me a great deal. Honestly I can't figure it out, but I was hurt by it...

Then my brother and gramma started fighting. I don't even remember what it was about, but I was not enjoying it. Chris came over to talk to me and was holding my head, again I don't remember what he said besides "Don't do it"..meaning cry. So I did. Overemotional bitch..hah

I composed myself and came back into the room, but something set me off again and I had to go...and laid on my bed and cried myself to sleep. It was ridiculous, and I'm really pissed, because I ruined Thanksgiving (brother) and then I do that on Christmas?

Not to mention how my gramma "feels sorry" for me because I dont have faith, like faith is going to save me from..what?....reality? I think religion is a sign of a weakness. It's a crutch that some people need, and I'm perfectly fine with that and more power to them, but I just don't feel like I need it in my life, so why should you feel sorry for me?

Why put MORE pressure on yourself to conform to someone else's standards...to have someone else set your morals and your thought-process? Why blindly follow something you don't really truly understand?

All this makes no sense to me. Well I used to be I just believed in what I wanted to, no specific religion, and that was cool. But even then, if I'm sitting there looking to a "higher power" I'm being controlled. I don't believe someone else is controlling me. Why can't people take responsibility for their own actions?

When your friend was on the hospital bed dying, suffering, in pain....it wasn't GOD who killed them to make the pain stop. I don't understand why people feel the need to think that our lives are in someone else's hands.

I just believe in people..human nature...

Anyway, those are my beliefs...sorry but i had to get them out there. And if you, too, feel sorry for me, fine, but just don't tell me. I don't care if you understand it, but accept what I believe because I accept what you do.