Why do people get into relationships they know won't last? Honestly, is there a real reason? Although it doesn't make any sense, I think that's my problem. If I even get remotely interested in a guy, I run to the future and evaluate him as a husband, and since I'm not exactly attracted to the good ones, this causes a problem for me.

I'm on the search for the perfect guy, one that only lives in my head. And I place this perfect guy image on real people, and then just confuse myself into wanting something that's not real.

I hope I'm not always like this. I'm not exactly sure what I have to offer, but there's probably something. I don't wanna waste it, but I have this sinking feeling that I will.

I'm not writing this so people feel sorry for me, because, if you know me, you probably know that I don't mind being alone. The thing is, I always have this desire to be completely different from everyone else, even though I know it's not possible, but wanting something perfect just makes like them. I wanna be this 'rare find' but the truth is, I'm not rare anymore and there are a lot easier 'finds' out there.

In other news, I walked home from work today. On the way home, I walked right by a dead deer. It was less than 12 inches from my feet. Walking by really touched me. Its eyes were open and its head was back like it was still in shock. It was just frozen in time...soon to be maggots' meal.

It's sort of depressing, because I just read this thing...a quote, and it said something like "you should end things while they're good--before they get sour" and of course I immediately applied that to life and how I want to die when I'm happy, not sad or old or sick.

That's why I don't understand suicide. Well part of the reason anyway. You've hear of hitting rock bottom, but when you hit rock bottom that means things can't get any worse, which of course they could, but the point is, there's pleanty of room for things to get better. Things don't just get better on their own, though. You have to work for it, and who doesn't want things to get better?? If there is an afterlife (which I really don't want to get into, but IF there is one), how could you handle the guilt and embarrassment that you did something so stupid? That you were so fucking full of yourself you didn't care what anyone else thought or felt and it was all about you cuz your life was so fucking terrible you couldn't stand it any longer. Just take a minute and think how that makes the people around you feel...

But the problem is, who the hell thinks of suicide when they're happy? It's like gambling...and sometimes when people gamble and they start to win money, they'll walk away ahead of the game, but who takes a gun to their head when they're in the happiest moments of their lives? I'm not saying you should, but it's sad that so many people die miserable.

I've never really lost anyone I know, so this isn't coming from experience, but think about your last memories of people that you've lost. People that were close, and not those accidental deaths. Laying in hospital beds, pale skin, eyes sunken in?

I'm about to lose people I know. I have no clue when, but at some point relatively close in the future. I already see them miserable. I already see them hating life and how sick they are. It's sad. I honestly don't really know what I'm trying to get at here, if anything.

So goodnight to you all. Don't get all philisophical on my ass, bitch :P